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Living the (Lie)f?

June 23, 2010

Two days in and I miss her.  “Dream Machine” by Mark Farina is was one of our songs.  It’s soothing beats were part of our theme music, serving as background to many of life’s happenings.  We cleaned to it.  We cooked to it.  We seduced each other to it.  We just danced to it, rocking back and forth, letting the rhythm guide us as we brought the machine to life.

Now it’s playing at a coffee shop in Brentwood, my new home and the place where I begin to realize my truth. What that means, what that looks like, I do not yet know.  Moving out, out of the comfort and security of my community, out of the loving embrace and personal and passionate committment of my partner, out the status quo and into fear and the unknown, I know not what I should feel, only what I do feel.  And that, only four days in, has already changed.

For more reasons than I could name and based on more emotions than I could explain I have embarked on a journey, self-initiated and anonymously led, to “find myself”.  Being scooped up, two years ago, out of obscurity, I willingly and gladly fell head first into what would become a sometimes magical, sometimes agonizing love affair with someone whose being, whose essence I will (thankfully) forever be tied to.  Along the way I learned about life, love, patience, humility, nurturing, and commitment.  I grew, as both an individual and a partner, and embraced every bit with all of my heart.  But then something, something inside of me, changed.  A door opened. I light turned on.  A path was illuminated.  It was not, though, that my grass wasn’t green.  I just wondered about the other lawns around me.  I pondered what life held in store for us all and questioned my stability amid the turbulence of our human existence.  And so I leaped.

I was excited at the opportunity and the possibilities.  And when I was with her, post-leap, I remained so.  But now, having leaped and now being on my own, I am in a different place.  It’s still too early and the jury’s still out, so to speak, but I remain excited.  Fending for myself is something I’ve looked forward to for a while.  I’ve relied on other’s motivations to help me along my path.  And the time has come to provide my own kick in the pants.  

If prompted and appropriately motivated I’m pretty sure I can kick pretty damn hard.

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